Wellspring Women’s Ministry Blog and Online Community

This week we have a beautiful post written by a friend of mine.  In it she shares her journey with God; her ongoing transformation of Jesus turning her heart from a wasteland to a garden.  I felt like it would be a fresh word for all of us, though, because isn’t this what God does with all of his kids?  Read it and enjoy it!

Hi, my name is Debbie Lennon.

In the last couple of years, I’ve been on a journey to discovering my true authentic self in Christ.  Actually, it’s been a life-long journey, but it’s been rather intense within the last couple of years.

Let me explain:  If there is one word that describes my growing up years, it’s CONFUSION.  From a very early age, I was confused about my identity as a person, as a girl, and as a woman.  I felt deeply ashamed to admit this to anyone including myself.  Well, I knew I was confused, but I kept judging myself to be stupid and that I need to “get with the program.”

I thought I was confused because of my profound hearing loss.  I lost my hearing at the age of 3 for reasons still unknown, and as a young girl, I thought people talked funny because I could never understand what they were saying!  This created a lot of comical moments for my parents and teachers as they worked with me to re-establish my vocabulary and practice my listening skills.  The extraordinary length my parents took to help me gain footing in a hearing world is the very reason that I am able to function as well as I do (my father had actually gotten a new engineering job after he graduated from college and he asked for a one month extension before he started his career so he and my mother could invest their time working with me).

So I knew I was loved.

However, as I grew older, it became apparent to my family and to me that I was deeply confused about who I was, what my dreams were, and how I felt about things.  I had relied on my mom to help me navigate my way through childhood and adolescence.  For some reason, I lacked the ability to form my own thoughts, my own opinions, and to forge my own independence.

Through my mother’s influence (and Billy Graham), I became a Christian when I was 14, but it wasn’t until my early college years that I really began to understand what it meant to “be saved.”  From that point on, God began to painstakingly reveal Himself to me.  In the process, He began to reveal what was in my heart.  He revealed that it was a vast wasteland, void of deep emotional roots and that this was the reason for my confusion.  This was painful for me to accept. I was deeply embarrassed & ashamed to admit this.

With His grace, I was able to go on to lead a successful career as a trainer and a teacher working with special needs students.  I developed a wide circle of friends.  I mean, I led a privileged life – so how could my heart be a wasteland?  I felt like something was wrong with me.  I confessed, I repented, I prayed, I received prayers and yet, I still felt stuck in this wasteland.  I thought it was my fault.

God patiently took me on a journey to explore my heart.  He revealed to me that I had experienced early hidden trauma in my life.  I struggled with His revelations and wanted to die.  Last fall, He gently told me in a dream that He wanted me to join Him in the “desert.”  I didn’t want to go.  My life felt like a wasteland and He wanted me to go into the desert??  But I submitted to Him and waited to see what he would reveal to me there.  It was hard.  But I tell you, it has been life-transforming.

It seemed to me that once I began my journey with Him in the desert, everything in my life kind of went south.  My teaching career became a tragedy of sorts as I struggle to meet confusing federal and state mandates.  My old friendships dried up for inexplicable reasons.  My family relationships became distant as each of us went on to lead our own lives.  I began to question – once again – who am I?  What is the purpose of my life?

One day, I was reading my Bible and came across this verse in Matthew 8:20.  Jesus was responding to a scribe who told Him that he would follow Him wherever he went.  And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.”  This really puzzled me.  Why would He speak in riddles to someone who wanted to follow Him?  I asked God to reveal what He meant.

And He did.  God revealed to me that when Jesus came to us, He did not have an agenda of His own except to do His Father’s will.  In other words, he didn’t have a peg to “hang His hat on.”  He did not promote His own agenda of theology points or philosophy.  He did not rely on his own heritage or career as a carpenter to define Who He was.  He submitted Himself to the trials and tribulations of the Roman government.  He did not even defend Himself to His own people.  His whole identity rested in the knowledge that He was the beloved Son of God.

This really resonated with me.  It dawned on me that I was going to have to let go of the things that I relied on to give me my identity.  God had already prepared the way for me to do that as it seemed that everything in my life was already going south and they were no longer sustaining my identity as a worthwhile person.  This was a painful process for me because I realized that as a single person, I could not rest in my identity as a wife, a mother, a Godly woman – not even as a teacher or a faithful daughter or friend.

So what was left for me?  Back to my confusion – Who was I and what is my purpose in life? Do I have anything to live for?  I came in possession of a book called “Transformed into Fire: An Invitation to Life in the True Self” by Judith Hougen.  God used this profound book to reveal and cement my true identity in Him.

And this is what I wanted to share with you: We are His Beloved.  Another book, “Life of the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen expounds this point in a more succinct manner.  I encourage you to read both books for a greater understanding of this truth: We are His Beloved.

God revealed this profound truth to me last spring.  It is still relevant to me today and it has finally brought me a measure of peace after a lifetime of confusion.  My wasteland is slowly transforming into His garden.

I also feel that God wants me – and you – to know that if we truly accept our identity as His Beloved who submits to His rule and Kingdom, it will very likely bring polarizing reactions from the community as He uses us to expand his Kingdom.  This was certainly true during Jesus’ ministry on Earth.  Many will be drawn to Him by His astounding love through us.  Others will resent us, because they will think “How dare we believe that we are special?” Let us take hold of this Word and allow it work in us.  Don’t allow our earthly identities deflect who we really are in Christ.  I believe it will carry us far as we go outside of our comfort zone to reach the lost within our community.

Thank you and I say to you….Go with God….